Prepping for Surgery - Bikini Wax

Less than two weeks until my surgery, and I'm in prep mode.  I am no longer taking my blood thinner, I cannot have any ibuprofen, I need to call the hospital today for the plan, I've started shaving my legs and I had a bikini wax yesterday.  Why, you ask?  (How many of you are thinking, I'm not asking!  TMI, Jess, TMI!  LOL)

I'll tell you why.  I will have to be catheterized during surgery.  The nurse or doctor or whoever does that will need clear, clean access to my lady business for…um...insertion.  (My brother is one of my biggest fans and if he had not stopped reading after the words "Why, you ask?" I bet he's stopped now!)  I have it on good authority that once I am under I would be unceremoniously shaved with an electrical instrument.  But not in any helpful or landscaping way - just a strip down the middle to give clear, clean access for the catheter.

Therefore, I chose to take control of how my lady business would be presented on that table and got a Brazilian wax this morning.  That's right, Brazilian.  I had originally put the word Brazilian in this post's title, but thought it was way too risqué so I changed it to bikini.  If you're still reading this post, whether because you have a high shock tolerance or out of morbid curiosity, I figured you could handle Brazilian.

I've had Brazilian waxes before, in my mid-30s.  They weren't too painful and made wearing a bathing suit all Summer easy-breezy.  I was pretty ignorant the 1st time I had one.  None of my friends had had one done, so I was going in blind.  I decided that it would make the esthetician's job easier to "clean things up a bit" before my appointment, shorten up a bit.  So I took the hair clippers to myself.

When I got up on the table, the esthetician asked me what I had done to myself.  Evidently, I was not helpful.  She said there does need to be length for the wax to grab.  Lesson learned and she was able to get the job done despite my "help".  I kept going back to her regularly, so I never got any significant length in between sessions.  Then after a couple years I stopped.  Since then, except for using a razor on the sides during swimsuit seasons, I've been au natural.

I don't know if it was my au natural length, the 30+ pounds I've put on since my last wax or if my 40-something skin has become brittle and uber-sensitive, but today's appointment was painful.  Not regret-I-had-it-done painful but certainly my-lady-business-does-not-need-to-be-subjected-to-that-again-thank-you-very-much painful.  The upkeep of my lady business will no longer be outsourced.

There were other differences today than from the last time I had a wax.  The 1st one was the state of my flexibility or, more to the point, the lack of it.  I was unable to contort myself easily into the necessary yoga positions in order for the esthetician to gain access.  At one point I was on my back, legs in the "butterfly" position and my knees were definitely facing more North than East and West.  God bless the esthetician, she valiantly pressed down on my knees to open me up more, but to no avail.  Phew!  If she was a muscular Swedish masseuse instead of a petite Asian esthetician, we would have heard a crack and I'd have limped out of there!

The 2nd difference was that I had to place my hands below my belly button and pull my skin up, taut.  She said, with her sweet smile, that it was easier and less painful if the skin was tight, but I think that was just code for, "Please move your belly out of the way."  LOL

And just when I thought it was all over and she was just making sure there was no wax left and applying a tonic, she pulls out the tweezers.  Some stubborn whiskers were evidently immune to multiple passes with the wax and she decide to pluck.  I could feel that she was plucking in an area that was not going to hinder the catheter, so I stopped her right there.  These soldiers were not willing to leave their post so it was time to retreat.

Before getting off the table, however, she handed me a mirror and ask that I review her handiwork.  Oooooo kaaaaaaay…  You know the ending of Pirates of the Caibbean: Dead Man's Chest when Captain Jack Sparrow is facing off with the Kraken and the Kraken opens its huge, red, circular mouth with rows of sharp teeth and screams at Jack?  That's what I saw in the mirror, only my "Kraken" was mad because I'd paid someone to remove all its teeth.

As I got dressed to leave, I didn't know if the soreness I felt was from the attack on my lady business or if my hip joints were protesting the out-of-character rotations they were put through.  But by the time I pulled out of the parking lot to head home, I was feeling back to normal.  I was not be surprised to wake up this morning with sore hip joints...

What I Dislike About Homeschooling

After completing my July 2012 series, 31 Reasons The Hubs and I Have Lasted 17 Years, I received comments on Facebook and in person about doing others.  I immediately thought about doing one about the downside of homeschooling.  A tongue-in-cheek list of the negatives, because our family, our relationships and our lives have only gotten better with homeschooling.  But I was confident that I could come up with at least 10 "bad" things about homeschooling.

I came up with one right away.  Well here we are, 14+ months later, and I've not been able to come up with 9 other negatives about homeschooling!  I've only come up with 1 more.  So, I've given up of on the series idea.  I've let go of trying to find 10 "bad" things about homeschooling.  I think it's wonderful that after 14 months, I could only come up with 2!  Here we go...

#1.  I had to break up with my vibrator.  
B and I are together all the time.  All.  The.  Time.  We don't have to be in the same room or on the same floor at all times, but we are in the house together.  When B was in public school, even half-day kindergarten, I at least had time alone in the house to be with myself.  Not since we started homeschooling!  He stopped taking naps years ago, so that window of opportunity is shut for good.

And believe me, I've tried.  I know what you're thinking -  I'm a horrible, disgusting, slutty mom for trying to use her vibrator with a conscious kid in the house.  No, I'm a homeschool mom who applies learning to everything I do and I did a Science experiment.  I proposed a hypothesis to myself - B will not hear my vibrator under the covers, in my bedroom, behind the closed door, while he is watching TV downstairs with snacks he rarely gets.  Then I tested my hypothesis by doing an experiment.  Finally, I analyzed the data I had gathered during my experiment and came to the conclusion that I had to break up with my vibrator.

I must have been a little too eager to get upstairs.  Or maybe he was (rightly) suspicious of me allowing him to watch something I'd never allowed to be viewed in our house before and the free reign I gave him with the Halloween candy while he watched the show.  Regardless, he came knocking and, upon discovering the bedroom door was locked, he was not going away.  The mood was ruined for me and I've never tried again.  *sigh*

#2.  I can't purge his toys without getting caught.
When he was in preschool and then public school, I had time without B to cull through the toy bins and get rid of the items that were broken or hadn't been played with or even remembered existed in several months.  I'd separate out the items to go and clean and bag them up while he was a school.  Even if he came home before all the Freecyclers had picked up the toys I was getting rid of, B didn't know what was in the bags!  If he asked, I just told him, "stuff for Freecycle", and he let it drop.

The next time he'd go to the toys bins, he knew something was different, something wasn't quite right; he just couldn't put his finger on it...   Ahhh...the good 'ole days.

Now I have to put up with, "Hey! I've been looking for that forever!" and "But that's my favorite toy!" and "I'm going to start playing with it again right now."  Don't get me wrong, the stuff still goes.  I just no longer get the peaceful satisfaction of decluttering with no one being the wiser.  I got a sick amusement from pulling one over on him.  If my 23 yr old self could see what I got excited about now...  :-P

Random Things Heard In Our House Over The Last Week

I've been using a new line of skincare and I love how soft and smooth my skin is now.
Me: Feel my neck.
The hubs (Poking my neck): What's wrong with it?
Me: Nothing.  Just feel it.  Run your hands up and down it.  Isn't it smooth?
The hubs: Yeah.  Did you shave?

B: *sigh* I wish I could eat sprinkles right out of the box.
The hubs: There's only one thing stopping you, you know.
B: My mother, the arch-nemesis of sweets.

The hubs absolutely hates ceiling lights.
Me: Would you like me to turn off that light over you?
The hubs: It might be difficult to turn off; it's a halo.  *bats eyelashes*

Me to the hubs: I swear to God if you create an Alex P. Keaton in our son, I will hurt you.

Me: Please tell me you washed the rosemary before putting it in your compound butter!
The hubs: I washed the rosemary before putting it in the compound butter.
Me: You washed and dried it? I don't see the paper towels you used to dry it.
The hubs: I...didn't dry it.
Me: (Walk over to the remaining rosemary on the cutting board and feel it.) It's dry.  You didn't wash the rosemary!
The hubs: You just said to tell you I'd washed the rosemary...

B: Oh, I love the Ellen DeGenerate Show!

A friend and her 2 daughters stayed with us for 3 days.  After the first couple of hours of them being here, B said to me with conviction....
B: Yup.  I'm gonna love living with them.