WARNING: a part of this post is rated "R". Proceed at your own risk.
Have you ever seen Let's Talk About Love with Niecy Nash on Yahoo? I just love her. Fell in love with her on Clean House. No one can have a "comin' to Jesus" meeting with you about your what-not and foolishness like Niecy! A couple of weeks ago I was catching up on her various love videos on Yahoo and came across this one: Dating Horror Stories. Ding, ding, ding, ding ding - blog post idea! Man, oh, man, do I have a dating horror story to tell...
My friend, Jane (not her real name), and I have been friends since elementary school. When I was 20, she set me up on my very 1st blind date, a redheaded member of The Honor Guard. I was a sucker for redheads! That blind date ended up being the 1st man I fell in love with. Yeah! Then he got out of the Army, went home, and could not handle a long-distance relationship. Boo! Oh, well, it all worked out in the end for me; I have the hubs! And redheads turned out to be bad news for me anyway.
Anywho, Jane must have felt bad about the whole singing-the-praises-of-this-honerable-good-guy-redhead-and-then-he-left-me thing because she decided to set me up on another blind date with another redhead. I don't care about protecting his identity but I can't remember his name, so I'll make one up for him - Perv. I like Perv; it fits him perfectly and you shall see why later in our story. Perv was Jane's co-worker. She described him as a good guy with a great sense of humor. He called me to discuss details about the evening and we decided on dinner and a movie. Because we did not live close to each other and we'd have rush hour traffic to deal with, I suggested that we meet at the movie theater, he could drive us to dinner from there and then we'd say good night after the movie.
I arrived at the theater early and purchased the tickets since he was treating me to dinner. He pulled up to the curb of the theater where I was standing, got out of his car, introduced himself and opened the car door for me. Not something that most guys did, so I was impressed. We drove to a Lonestar Steakhouse near the theater and were seated immediately. We had about 2 hours until the movie, plenty of time to eat and chat. After the waitress took our order, we starting asking each other questions, sharing things about ourselves, the usual get-to-know-you stuff. We were so relaxed and caught up in our easy conversation that we did not realize an hour had past and we didn't have any food. Perv flags down the waitress, lets her know politely we had been waiting an hour and that we had tickets to a show in an hour and needed to eat. She apologized and said she'd get right on it. Then Perv turned back to me and asked, very casually, how I felt about masturbation. Blink. Blink, blink.
Me: I'm sorry. What?!
Perv: I'm wondering how you feel about masturbation.
Perv: I feel masturbation is the most natural and pure expression of self-love. It is necessary to every person's well-being and peace of mind. Masturbating together is an incredible bonding experience and I believe it could eliminate wars on Earth. I would really like you and I to masturbate together at the end of our date.
Now, dear readers, let's all take a step back, but your eyes back in your sockets and digest that while I tell you where I was at that time in my life. I was 22 years old and although I was not a virgin, I was purposefully and blissfully ignorant in the ways of masturbation. I knew what it was because I'd been told it was a sin in high school Religion classes. I had no desire to do it and absolutely no idea how I would do even if I wanted to! I didn't even use tampons back then because I was so adverse to getting to know myself down there. The closest I ever got to that area was wiping myself when I peed. After staring at him incredulously for a bit, I hoped that he was playing a joke on me. Maybe Jane had told him we're Catholic school friends.
Me: Are you joking?!
Perv: (I gotta hand it to him; he didn't get offended by my attitude. He must have been used to this kind of reaction and proceeded calmly, probably switching to convert mode.) Absolutely not. It's natural, it's beautiful and I (covers my hand with his own) want to experience that with you. (Warm smile with teeth, but not too wide, that would be inappropriate.)
Me: I'm sorry, Perv, but I do not do that and have no intention of doing that, especially with another person.
Perv: I understand your uptightness and I would be happy to open you up to the joys and peace that self-love provide. Will you give me that opportunity?
Me: No. Thank you.
A staring contest ensued and after a tense 20 seconds, he looked away. He never looked back. After another 15 minutes, spent in silence, I flagged the waitress and asked he to wrap our food and have it on the table in 5 minutes or forget about it because we had a show to get to. The food arrived in a doggie bag and we both stood up. I have no idea if Perv paid the waitress or not. On the silent walk to the car, I decided to put it behind us and try to move on. I tried to get him talking in the car, but he never looked at me and, the times he did respond to me were very curt. As we walked into the theater, I asked if he wanted anything to drink or some popcorn since we hadn't eaten and received a, "NO." tossed over his shoulder at me as he walked ahead.
He refused to look at me and stopped responding to my attempts at conversation. Throughout the movie, he looked straight ahead and leaned over the armrest farthest from me. When the credits started to roll, he got up and walked out. I tried to catch up with him, but the distance between us was getting greater. It was after midnight. We must have seen the last movie of the night at the theater because there were very few cars left in the lot. By the time I got to his car, he had the doggie bag in his hands and he held it out to me. I took it and asked, "Would you mind driving me to my car since it's so late? I had to park in the lot behind the theater." I was scared to go that far alone.
He studied me several seconds then finally said, "Sure, get in," as he climbed in the driver's side. "Thank you," I said, relieved. As I walked around the back of his car I thought to myself, Well, at least his manners have returned. However, as soon as I rounded the side of his car, he threw it in reverse, backed out of his parking spot and took off, leaving me there alone, with my hand still out, reaching for his car door handle. I just stood there, shocked, unable to accept what he'd just done. Finally the squealing tired of another car leaving the parking lot snapped me out of it. I looked up and there were no cars to be seen in the front lot. I walked quickly to my car in the back lot, with my hand on the trigger of the mace can in my purse. As soon as I got that car door locked and started the engine, the tears started to flow. By the time I hit the highway I was so mad.
Jane called me the next week to ask how it went. She said Perv wasn't giving her any details, just that I wasn't his type. LOL - thank goodness for that! She was shocked when I told her about our dinner conversation. She said she couldn't look at him or talk to him after that without thinking of him masturbating and it was a terrible picture to have in her head. Tell me about it!
- I am a very lucky woman with a husband and son who are smart, witty and entertaining. Our son, B, attended public school for two years, and then we embarked on a new adventure in the Fall of 2010 - homeschooling. We don't have all the answers, but we know B and this has been the best thing for him. I blog to preserve our stories and our memories, share recipes, vent and ramble on about our crazy, yet blessed, life. Would you care to follow along?